I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.