I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me too 😆
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Yeah. This was me today.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now