If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.