I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
This headline is a thing of beauty
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
San Francisco has too many rules
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Our lord and savoury.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.