The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
😂💯