My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
is this how new cars are made??
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Accurate
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya