I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You Might Also Like
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Home #decor warning.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
This is I, Robot all over again
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”