Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Just say no
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
😩😩😩
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?