Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Generation gap…
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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