Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
The first matador
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit