Me too
You Might Also Like
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Cat.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun