Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
having children is a pyramid scheme.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”