government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Proctology is located in A55
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point