COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
You Might Also Like
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend