[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….