If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑