English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.