Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.