Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
huge if true: the moon
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Punctuation Matters. Period.