Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.