i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z