Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.