my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
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Basketball
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.