My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
stand with me against insufficient seating
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
From Facebook just now…
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.