At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….