[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no