Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
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printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Bring back the McRib
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4