You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.