ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
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My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Breaking news:
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.