Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Friends that check up on you >
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
huge if true: the moon
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.