Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I鈥檓 never taking these pills.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that鈥檚 a mandolin
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Broke my New Year鈥檚 resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
need a new bf mines broken 馃槓
Every Field Has It鈥檚 Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn鈥檛 acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don鈥檛 like you.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
opening twitter today
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin: