I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
buying dead houseplants to save time
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
God making man in his image was the original selfie
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.