The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
the red hot silly peppers
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?