“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
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If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Wikigenius
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
.. do you even science?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.