Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
ok like just. call me at this point
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.