You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
A bold strategy
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥