Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Ironic
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.