I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: