CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh