I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Not helping
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses