Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You Might Also Like
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
necessity is the mother of invention
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone