Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?