My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
You Might Also Like
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Just me and my debit card against the world
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.