Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You Might Also Like
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”