did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
You Might Also Like
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares