Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“you changed” bro i was 15
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I love the honesty
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces