Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
You Might Also Like
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.