Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I already tried new things thanks.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle