Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
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When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Just how popey was the pope today?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.