“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.